Take deep breaths" I can hear my mother say, as I struggle to tell her about my day. She pats my shoulder, smiles slightly and gives me the warmest hug. Sighing I release my grip and look at her. I take in every inch of her face, the way her gently flows down her shoulders. She looks young, but beautiful. I see a lot of myself in her.
She stands to leave and I watch her disappear. I look around and the objects around me start to change, mostly crumbled to ash.
I can hear my mothers voice, Its twisted, distorted. The softness that was there before has now turned into a harsh grumble. The couch that I'm sitting on starts to shake and the walls are ripped away. Only to expose a scene of dread.
My mother, sitting at the kitchen table, rolling cigarettes. You can smell the whiskey wafting through the room, the vacant look that now fills her eyes as she pounds her fingers into the roller, staring at me with hate.
"Momma?" I say, not taking my eyes from her. The fear is real, it has been this entire time. The dream was the notion that she there, that her hugs were full of love and care. But this version of her is one I know so well.
I think, I'm dreaming, I must be 'How can a mother have so much hate for the lives that she created' I continue t stare as the words form on her tongue and out of her mouth, searing me with every sting, with every slew. "Who are you?"
I've asked myself that question countless times, I forget that at one point you were there, you were loving and, you were whole. I forget because you allowed yourself to hate, to become a sinister object, and a slave to the booze.
As I grew up my vision of you changed and The woman I once viewed as a role model and an all loving being, became a selfish monster. who put anyone and the hot liquid infront of those that were in need of her love.
I needed you, I maybe still do need you. But what I craved then, I don't crave anymore. I've spent long nights awake wondering. Why couldn't she love me, why can't she be here now. But you never changed. As life moves on as quickly as the day so do I. Sure, In the back of my head I'll always wonder, what could have happened if you were the mom I needed. But I'm letting you go now.
I'm breaking free of the hold that you have kept on me, the one that persuaded me chance after chance to prove that I was worthy of your affection. I shouldn't have to prove that I'm worthy of you.
Goodbye Mother, as much as it pains me but the burden that has been released from me feels great, and I know that its a relief to you too. You don't have to TRY anymore. Hell neither of us do.
Comments
Post a Comment